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Submitted on
December 15, 2006
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145
Favourites
5 (who?)
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All my efforts have been soiled;
I dig deep holes
to find only dirt.
You uprooted yourself from my life,
shifting the landscapes of my dreams.
You left me with the dregs
of some past life,
and the barreness of hours.
All I can think of is you
Succumbing to earth.
But now this plot is too shallow;
deep six too deep for my 5 feet
to crawl out of -
you were never one for tradition anyway.
Your mouth is now empty
as I kiss the acres of your skin;
you were my world
to stand upon
Written again in bed witht he lights off. My handwriting is improving in the middle of the dark.

Relationships gone from bad to worse.
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:iconarctoa:
arctoa Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2007  Student Photographer
Interesting work. It says critique encouraged but I've never been particularly good at that, so instead I'll just let you know that I enjoyed reading through this. Favourite parts include the digging for dirt and the abortive climbing from grave-shafts.

Also, the last lines give a brutal sense of finality.

Good stuff.
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:icondanteholic:
Danteholic Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2007
thanks alot :)
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:iconarctoa:
arctoa Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2007  Student Photographer
You're welcome.
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:iconmoejo:
moejo Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2007  Hobbyist Photographer
But now this plot is too shallow;
deep six too deep for my 5 feet

yeah. yeah.
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:icondanteholic:
Danteholic Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2007
I'm short :)
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:icondyrwen:
dyrwen Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2006  Hobbyist Writer
heh, I used to have the same problem of writing in the dark when I wake up with a thought or try to get to sleep with one.

I liked how "barreness of hours." sounds like "bareness of ours" or something similar, since it brought a kind of relationship to the words that made me think through how to sound it out. Not sure whether that was intentional though..

Enjoyed how you broke out from the form, or flow, to say that "tradition" line, since it helped drag me into the meaning you might've had in your head of the person being discussed.

Overall I really enjoyed this one dragging me into the ground, turning a person into a plot of land one has to stand upon, or sink into. Good stuff.
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:icondanteholic:
Danteholic Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2006
thank you very much
no, the hours/ours was not intentional
but I loved your reading of it
the tradition line was meant to break the mold of it
thanks for the fave...
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:iconislandjoe:
IslandJoe Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2006
uh-oh... what's the scoop??? when you comin home???


this is an excellent piece by the way... can't figure out if its about death or relationships or both...
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:icondanteholic:
Danteholic Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2006
both :)

I coming on tuesday
can't wait.
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